F*ckin Kid

So heres the deal. Im 31 (32 tomorrow to be exact) and married to an older woman. I have 2 step kids, 17 & 19. Both great kids...no drugs, no booze, blah blah. 17 year old is not the issue----she is doing great, already in college so this is about the 19 year old. The kids father died when he was 13 and left him 80k life insurance he got when he turned 18. So here is my issue and question...

Kid went to college one semester and came back home. Bought and sold 11 different cars and other money wasted. He is now living at home, turns 20 in October. Not in school currently, claims he will be in the fall. Been unemployed since Decemeber but supposedly starting part time job on Friday. Has spent the entire 80k to the point he needs money from my wife and I for anything........She is 100% behind him and says I am freaking out and being unreasonable with the kid

Please give me comments, suggestions, questions, ect. so I can hear some points of view before I shove a lit cigar in my @sshole.

Find more posts tagged with

Comments

Rain

Ugh..NOT what I'm looking forward to! I think if my kids come back home after they leave...two rules. Gotta have a job (or be in school), and gotta pay rent or do chores.On a side note, I first thought you were going to talk about Rudy.

Vulchor

What would "reasonable" chores be in your opinion Rain? As far as daily, or what chores, or when ect? Im seriously wanting to hear as many opinions as I can here.

ddubridge

sounds like you're F'ed. Might just have to bite the bullet on this one.

Rain

Anything that my wife and I do all the time to keep our house clean and functioning. All the little stuff...sweeping, dishes, trash, little repairs. If you are not paying rent, you **** well better be contributing to the house you live in.

webmost

Sounds exactly like the discussion we had with a friend over breakfast just Saturday. Irresponsible children belong to his wife and she won't allow him to say anything about them.

There are few enough things I've done right in life. It's hard to tell whether this is one of them, but...

Bearswatter was a widow when I met her. Two daughters and a son. Son lived with his grandparents; daughters with us. I laid down the law: everyone out by eighteen. Girls got jobs and moved to apartments shared with their girlfriends, and got started on their lives. The son came home, took advantage of us once, had to split. I strongly believe that your real learning begins when you leave home and get out on your own. Rent is how you learn to earn.

Of course, all that was easier to say back then. Right now, it's a different landscape. There just are no damn jobs. And if you go to college, chances are you wind up with no job and debt. So I dunno what I'd do today. I see too many people with children with an MBA living at home working part time at Home Depot.

jj20030

Rain:
On a side note, I first thought you were going to talk about Rudy.

x2,lol

Vulchor

Rain:
Anything that my wife and I do all the time to keep our house clean and functioning. All the little stuff...sweeping, dishes, trash, little repairs. If you are not paying rent, you **** well better be contributing to the house you live in.

this was my thought exactly. No job, no school, nothing. Were talking maybe 2 hrs a day to do dishes, laundry, sweep the floor, take out the trash, maybe clean the bathrooms once a month.

Vulchor

webmost:
Sounds exactly like the discussion we had with a friend over breakfast just Saturday. Irresponsible children belong to his wife and she won't allow him to say anything about them.

There are few enough things I've done right in life. It's hard to tell whether this is one of them, but...

Bearswatter was a widow when I met her. Two daughters and a son. Son lived with his grandparents; daughters with us. I laid down the law: everyone out by eighteen. Girls got jobs and moved to apartments shared with their girlfriends, and got started on their lives. The son came home, took advantage of us once, had to split. I strongly believe that your real learning begins when you leave home and get out on your own. Rent is how you learn to earn.

Of course, all that was easier to say back then. Right now, it's a different landscape. There just are no damn jobs. And if you go to college, chances are you wind up with no job and debt. So I dunno what I'd do today. I see too many people with children with an MBA living at home working part time at Home Depot.

I feel ur friends pain. My wife is fantastic, and as I said the kid isnt a "bad guy", hes just a lazy $hit and isnt made to do otherwise. Dont know how he will ever learn to do so.

Rain

On the other hand, I still feel like a kid. So I could be way off on this haha.

danielzreyes

Let's see ... where was I at 19. Still at home, fulltime student with a part time job. I spent my money on crap that I wanted to spend it on. However, Yes, I still did chores. Not because my parents made me, but it was only fair. They gave me a place to live, a car, and they were paying for my education. Keeping up the house may sound like childs play but hey, it was one less thing that my parents had to do after all the things they were doing for me.

Vulchor

danielzreyes:
Let's see ... where was I at 19. Still at home, fulltime student with a part time job. I spent my money on crap that I wanted to spend it on. However, Yes, I still did chores. Not because my parents made me, but it was only fair. They gave me a place to live, a car, and they were paying for my education. Keeping up the house may sound like childs play but hey, it was one less thing that my parents had to do after all the things they were doing for me.

Thats fair. Granted he paid for his own car and paid for his insuance (at least until April) but remember this is a kid who had 80k to use and has p!ssed it away for all intensive purposes on nothing. I think this should be factored in too....no?

danielzreyes

Vulchor:
danielzreyes:
Let's see ... where was I at 19. Still at home, fulltime student with a part time job. I spent my money on crap that I wanted to spend it on. However, Yes, I still did chores. Not because my parents made me, but it was only fair. They gave me a place to live, a car, and they were paying for my education. Keeping up the house may sound like childs play but hey, it was one less thing that my parents had to do after all the things they were doing for me.
Thats fair. Granted he paid for his own car and paid for his insuance (at least until April) but remember this is a kid who had 80k to use and has p!ssed it away for all intensive purposes on nothing. I think this should be factored in too....no?

My opinion, yes and no. If that $ is gone then its gone. Using it in arguments will probably only lead to going in circles. You can't argue with a recovering alcoholic about all the $ they wasted on alcohol in the pass. Pointless. The relationship between you your wife and your step kids is what's important.

Roberto99

Well *** Vulch, that sucks. On the one hand, your wife has to be on board with your strategy. On the other hand no one and I mean no one really changes unless they have to/are forced to. If there is a light at the end of the tunnel, then be patient and give him a hand. But he will have to know that as long as he lives in your house he lives under your rules. Especially if he continues acting irresponsibly.

If you don't see him changing his ways then you really are in a difficult situation, especially if his mother doesn't agree with you on what to do next. Tough love can really be a pain in the ass. It would really piss me off to see somebody close to me blow 80k like that, but he will be the one that will ultimately have to come to terms with what he's done.

If your wife is 100% behind her son, that is troubling. How would she deal with you if you started acting as irresponsibly as he is? How about coming home drunk from payday and saying you blew it all at the casino? I'm not saying to do that but I think you get the idea. Freaking out on the kid is probably not going to fix anything, but laying down the rules in your house might.

I will tell you that if I had acted like that (meaning dropping out of college and blowing an 80k annuity in one year and coming home to live with mommy and daddy) my parents would have probably given me a swift kick out the door. They certainly wouldn't keep giving me money! Sounds like he needs to enlist in the military. Good luck

Vulchor

Thanks Dan and Rob

pross

Take out the fact that you are a step dad, and all the other things that happened in his life and ask yourself what you would do if he were your birth son.

That would probably be is the correct thing to do.-- the easy thing to do? Likely not.

Good luck with that. Tough situation all around.

Rain

Got a step daughter and a biological son...same rules apply.

Vulchor

You are right Pross and I ask myself this all the time. I call him my son, I do not give any less to him that I would my own two biological children, I helped him with school, with life, and have been here with him since he was 12. I want to believe that I would try my bio-son the same way, because I consider him my bio son and only say step son out of respect for his real father and not to seem like I am trying to replace him......but this said, I do always try and question if I would TRULY treat my bio-son this way and I guess I can never really say yes with 100% certainty.

kaspera79

Well Vulchor, this is strictly MY opinion. My kids had a choice, stay in school and I will provide you with anything you need. A place to live, food, clothes, car insurance, a small allowance ( fifty bucks a week or so) to keep your room neat and help with household chores, like dishes, vacuum some time, their own laundry. Nothing that made them feel like free labor.
If they choose not to stay in school they had to get a job. Any job, so they knew what it takes to be productive members of society. They got waitress jobs, or jobs working in clothing stores during the summer because I would not let them sleep all day. When they were back in school they no longer had to work.
Needless to say, they stayed in school.... I would insist that young man seek any type of job, and it should be a courtesy that he do something around the house because he is a member of the household. Cut the grass without you asking, do the dishes, anything he sees you or your wife doing he should jump up and say "i got that".
I would hope your wife understands the importance of teaching this young man a lesson on values, and stand with you on insisting he works or returns to school, and not to expect everything is just given.
Nothing can be done about spent money, move past that. The lesson that can still be learned is to not just provide things freely. I pisssed away a lot of money when I was young, and now think about how hard I have to work for things.
As difficult as it may seem, you and your wife need to sit down and discuss your expectations of him. He already knows, but hearing it makes him sort of embarrassed into doing the right thing.
It worked on my kids, and on me when my parents sat me down when I was eighteen.

Amos Umwhat

If you throw a mattress under the kid every time he jumps off the roof, he won't learn not to jump off the roof. What happens when (not if) you're not there with the mattress?

Vulchor

Thanks Kas, I appreciate that. And Amos.....that is a question I fear we may find out.

Russ55

What does your wife want to do with him? or suggest doing.

Rhamlin

I'm pretty sure if I'd have inherited 80k when iwas 18 I'd have spent the hell out of it to. In fact I more or less did but I worked for it so that does change things abit. Wish I had a tip for ya brother sometimes wives just won't see our side of things no matter what we do. Good luck to you.

laker1963

kaspera79:
Well Vulchor, this is strictly MY opinion. My kids had a choice, stay in school and I will provide you with anything you need. A place to live, food, clothes, car insurance, a small allowance ( fifty bucks a week or so) to keep your room neat and help with household chores, like dishes, vacuum some time, their own laundry. Nothing that made them feel like free labor.
If they choose not to stay in school they had to get a job. Any job, so they knew what it takes to be productive members of society. They got waitress jobs, or jobs working in clothing stores during the summer because I would not let them sleep all day. When they were back in school they no longer had to work.
Needless to say, they stayed in school.... I would insist that young man seek any type of job, and it should be a courtesy that he do something around the house because he is a member of the household. Cut the grass without you asking, do the dishes, anything he sees you or your wife doing he should jump up and say "i got that".
I would hope your wife understands the importance of teaching this young man a lesson on values, and stand with you on insisting he works or returns to school, and not to expect everything is just given.
Nothing can be done about spent money, move past that. The lesson that can still be learned is to not just provide things freely. I pisssed away a lot of money when I was young, and now think about how hard I have to work for things.
As difficult as it may seem, you and your wife need to sit down and discuss your expectations of him. He already knows, but hearing it makes him sort of embarrassed into doing the right thing.
It worked on my kids, and on me when my parents sat me down when I was eighteen.

Amos Umwhat:
If you throw a mattress under the kid every time he jumps off the roof, he won't learn not to jump off the roof. What happens when (not if) you're not there with the mattress?

Lot's of great comments and advice here buddy. I think Kas and Amos come as close to what is a hard reality as possible. There is the aspect of what taking a stand may mean between you and your wife, if she is not on board. So you need to have that discussion first IMO. Then there is the reality of explaining it to your son. Since he is not a child, this should be fairly easy. He may not like hearing it, but he can hardly argue against some realistic expectations being placed on him just like every other adult out there has.
Then there is the final reality of what Amos mentioned, and this may help to convince your wife (if needed) that this is for your son's own good. What happens when you are not around? Since he would HAVE to learn some hard lessons then, it makes sense that it would be easier, both for and on him, to learn some now.

Like Kas said, this is just my opinion Vulch. and you know how I can be

Good luck with whatever you decide to do bro.

Martel

I'm nowhere near your situation, V, but it sounds like it sucks, man. Between the wondering if you'd treat a biological kid the same way, frustration at seeing all that money spent irresponsibly, and worrying about how to handle the situation going forward, you must feel like crud right now. Sorry you have to face this.

Rob1110

Biological kid or not, there comes a time when people just have to grow up. I know it's tough when it's your own and your wife is probably having a hard time dealing with it but I've seen much worse situations and it doesn't do anybody any good for the parents to give their kids a sense of entitlement. I come from an Italian family and tough love was always the case. Get out, get a job, be responsible or take a hike.

Just tell your wife she's lucky she's not with someone like me. I'd ring his fuc&ing little neck, beat the bag out of him and drop him off on a corner in a rough neighborhood with a $20 bill strapped to his back. Show him how tough life can be. Some people will only grow up when faced with a sink or swim type of situation. Others, just never grow up.

Either way, sorry bro. I feel for ya.

Vulchor

More good comments and words, thank all you above. Russ, I dont know what she wants to do. She is of the belief, or resigned to the fact at this point, that he has to "figure it out on his own". She doesnt seem to realize, or care, that sheis enabling these behaviors IMO.

Bigshizza

Tough spot Dave. Sounds like your wife isn't doing any favors for the kid by enabling his behavior. It's a lot easier to act the fool when there's a safety net under you. First issue is to get your wife to join you in a plan. Without her involvement and support there will be angst and resentment toward you eventually. Establish a firm "structure".. If this happens, then this will result etc.. He won't get to earn self esteem without structure. I spent 5 long years with a woman who let mayhem run the house! I finally left, couldn't take it anymore. Thank God we were never married. PM me if you need anything.. Best of luck, hope it all works out.

raisindot

Tough situation. Unfortunately, the insurance $$$ isn't really something you're on strong ground talking about since 1) your stepson was 18, and thus an adult, and could spend it anyway he wanted and 2) it wasn't your money he was spending.

I agree with others--tell him he has to start paying rent. NOW. Make him do chores but don't let him do chores instead of paying money, because at some point he'll stop doing them and he'll be back at square one. Make him get the lowest paying crappy job, take a few hundred bucks in cash from him each month, and you'll see how fast he'll get motivated to go back to school.

Of course, none of this will work if your wife doesn't support this. If she's working, you have every right to tell her that she needs to spend her money buying food for him and paying his expenses. Once she sees how much this is taking out of her income she won't have a problem paying his own way. If you're the only breadwinner, then you have the right to lay down the financial law---but you'll probably get into a gunfight doing so.

phobicsquirrel

Rob1110:
Biological kid or not, there comes a time when people just have to grow up. I know it's tough when it's your own and your wife is probably having a hard time dealing with it but I've seen much worse situations and it doesn't do anybody any good for the parents to give their kids a sense of entitlement. I come from an Italian family and tough love was always the case. Get out, get a job, be responsible or take a hike.

Just tell your wife she's lucky she's not with someone like me. I'd ring his fuc&ing little neck, beat the bag out of him and drop him off on a corner in a rough neighborhood with a $20 bill strapped to his back. Show him how tough life can be. Some people will only grow up when faced with a sink or swim type of situation. Others, just never grow up.

Either way, sorry bro. I feel for ya.

lol...

You said he lost the 80k? was that for college like a college fund or something?

I dunno man, seems as though you might have to put the foot down on this. I'm no father but I do know what it is like having to deal with a lazy ass. hard to do if your wife isn't on your side but you need to do what you feel is right. letting him feed off the tit while mooching isn't going to help him in the long run. But you know him better than I do -- meaning sometimes that hard line stuff backfires.

Martel

Lesson learned from this...make a will, and don't let your kid get all the money at 18. My wife and I did wills 8 or 9 years ago when the kids were really young. Cost us $500 for the two of us, including living wills/advanced directives, Power of Attorney in given circumstances, wills, and some estate advice. Our kids have payouts for specific events, like college, wedding, or having a kid, as well as over specific timeframes. But they don't get it all until something like 28 or 30.

Of course, this all presupposes there is anything in my estate for them to inherit other than student loan debt! JK, the life insurance will cover that.