How did you old guys get through the teenage years?

brianetz1

Holy crap i think i want to just choke my son out right now......

how did you guys get through the general ass holeishness, refusing to do work around the house, refusing to do well in school, and being a *** without wanting to just beat the holy heck out of him?

I don't know how much more of this i can take.

james40

Good luck bro and I wish I could offer advice. I had a girl and had to deal with similar but mostly different issues.

jd50ae

I remember how I was as a kid for one thing. And I believe in one method a lot of Indians use. Find out what he likes to do and don't let him do it. I.E., if he likes texting (I hate it) take away his ability to do so. If he likes to go hunting with you leave him at home and tell him why. TN DCS dictates we give both kids a $30 allowance (that is more then I have in my pocket), but it can always go into a savings account until he/she sees the light.

There is soooo much a kid can get into today, and it is real hard to be a parent. Stiff upper lip and a stiff drink when they aren't around.

I really do feel for you, and advice is like appendages, we all have them.

brianetz1

james40:

Good luck bro and I wish I could offer advice. I had a girl and had to deal with similar but mostly different issues.

he is a junior and i am not sure how much more of this i can take......he doesn't realize that he is ruining his life every single time he skips a class because he didn't' do the work or doesn't study for a test. Then lies about it to us even though we can just look online and see he did it.

we've tried groudning, taking things away, making him pay for things, checking his every last step, doting on him about everything, covering for him and helping him do the things last minute, being less hard on him in the hopes that he steps up on his own.

i honestly don't know what to do anymore.

Bigshizza

brianetz1:

james40:

Good luck bro and I wish I could offer advice. I had a girl and had to deal with similar but mostly different issues.

he is a junior and i am not sure how much more of this i can take......he doesn't realize that he is ruining his life every single time he skips a class because he didn't' do the work or doesn't study for a test. Then lies about it to us even though we can just look online and see he did it.

we've tried groudning, taking things away, making him pay for things, checking his every last step, doting on him about everything, covering for him and helping him do the things last minute, being less hard on him in the hopes that he steps up on his own.

i honestly don't know what to do anymore.

My son didn't go to school but my EX didn't enforce any rules. I took his phone, guitar and TV out of his room. It really didn't seem to bother him..ughh you can talk to you're blue in the face about consequences.. He has to want to do school work, help out etc because the consequences actually bother him. My son is at a Comm College finishing high school BS now. He wants $$ told him an education is where it's at. Take stuff away and be a hard liner and leave military recruiting brochures around.

Echambers

The idea of adolescence is a western invention. No other culture had a time of indolence before adulthood and now we have to live with the consequence of that. So here is my advice. (1) keep loving him even when you're tempted not to. As he gets older he will always remember how you treated him during this phase. (2) Avoid power struggles by outlining the consequences before the act. (I.e. If you don't go to school we disable your cell phone for that day). Make the consequences meaningful to him and if he has moments of clarity have him help define the consequences. A key here is to not make punishment reactionary. (3) ask a professional for help. What you describe is most likely typical adolecent behavior. But it could be something more. Anxiety, for example, is one of the most common youth mental health diagnosis. It's also treatable (4) Breath. Have a cigar. This too will pass. (5) while I don't want to minimize at all the impact of lying and skipping school, in the scope of things it has less impact on how he becomes an adult than you think. I remember that teachers and parents always threatened that if I was bad at school it would go on my perment record. I found out a few years after I graduated that they shred all your records after five years. (6). As much as you might not want to admit it, consider drug and alcohol use. (7) dis I say breath yet? Have a cigar. This too will pass....

Echambers

I should clarify, I meant HIS drug and alcohol use, not suggest you take up either or...

dr_frankenstein56

im sure there is a wonderful US Service out there that will snap his behind into shape.

I really didnt imagine you being old enough for a teenage son Brian... crazy!

Aj

Bigshizza

He was a promiscuous 13 year old

brianetz1

Echambers:

The idea of adolescence is a western invention. No other culture had a time of indolence before adulthood and now we have to live with the consequence of that. So here is my advice. (1) keep loving him even when you're tempted not to. As he gets older he will always remember how you treated him during this phase. (2) Avoid power struggles by outlining the consequences before the act. (I.e. If you don't go to school we disable your cell phone for that day). Make the consequences meaningful to him and if he has moments of clarity have him help define the consequences. A key here is to not make punishment reactionary. (3) ask a professional for help. What you describe is most likely typical adolecent behavior. But it could be something more. Anxiety, for example, is one of the most common youth mental health diagnosis. It's also treatable (4) Breath. Have a cigar. This too will pass. (5) while I don't want to minimize at all the impact of lying and skipping school, in the scope of things it has less impact on how he becomes an adult than you think. I remember that teachers and parents always threatened that if I was bad at school it would go on my perment record. I found out a few years after I graduated that they shred all your records after five years. (6). As much as you might not want to admit it, consider drug and alcohol use. (7) dis I say breath yet? Have a cigar. This too will pass....

1. done
2. already done
3. probably coming at this point
4. i do that, but still want to choke him
5. i know this, but its hard when 1 year ago today this was not an issue and he had his sights set on goign to ole miss or mizzou and tryign to walk on the football team and now we are looking at community college all the way
6. i wish this was the issue.....i really do. but its not. I drank like a fish in high school and dabbled in drugs. I work at a high school and have been trained in the tell tale signs. i have access to a breathalyzer and have used it. the last step is to have him piss tested, which might be coming to rule that out
7. I do, but i still want to choke him.

thanks for the advice though.....i needed the #5 point.

brianetz1

Bigshizza:

He was a promiscuous 13 year old

15 year old ***, i didn't lose my virginity until i was 15

brianetz1

Bigshizza:

He was a promiscuous 13 year old

15 year old shizza, i didn't lose my virginity until i was 15

Echambers

For what it is worth, my father barely graduated high school, went to community college, earned a PhD, and just retired as one of the most respected people in his field. I barely graduated from high school, went to community college and am six months from my PhD. Breath. Have two cigars, perhaps

brianetz1

Echambers:

For what it is worth, my father barely graduated high school, went to community college, earned a PhD, and just retired as one of the most respected people in his field. I barely graduated from high school, went to community college and am six months from my PhD. Breath. Have two cigars, perhaps

i know this, but it is tough to see when you think you have everything lined out for your kid. I have always said that my goal is to make sure my son has it better than i do and at times like this I question that.

Echambers

brianetz1:

Echambers:

For what it is worth, my father barely graduated high school, went to community college, earned a PhD, and just retired as one of the most respected people in his field. I barely graduated from high school, went to community college and am six months from my PhD. Breath. Have two cigars, perhaps

i know this, but it is tough to see when you think you have everything lined out for your kid. I have always said that my goal is to make sure my son has it better than i do and at times like this I question that.

I know it is hard...and I wish I had something to say to make it easier.

pelirrojo

I was a real shithead at that age(only about 10 years ago); drinking, drugs, skipping school, walked out of my parents' house for about 2 weeks, crashed my car, you name it. I didn't have the option of not going to college though. At 18 I was either going to school or I was on my own. The part time job I had at Taco Bell was enough motivation to go to college. I didn't want to be stuck doing that for the rest of my life. Eventually I figured it out on my own and thankfully had managed to not do too much damage to my prospects. I did well enough in school to regain my parents' trust and the rest is history. I mean look at the fine citizen I've become haha.

Hopefully it's just a rough patch and he'll come around like I did. Having a shitty job always helps put things in perspective too.

brianetz1

thanks for all the kind words......the shitty job thing might be a good idea. Let's see if i can find him that.

webmost

It's not up to you. It's not what you do. They are your guests; not your creations. You can help them when they are little. Once they hit a certain age, Nature herself tells them that they are their own full grown people free to make their own decisions. This confidence in themselves is hard wired into them. It is only our twisted society which defers the age of majority to an absurd half their natural lives. That's why they won't listen. Nature tells them they are grown up; but a sick society regards them as babies. Were they allowed full lives, and responsibility sooner, they would be more full and responsible sooner. Unnaturally crippled as they are, how can they be? It's like binding a female infant's feet and then complaining that she can't walk at fifteen years old. At the same age as your son, Dan Boone was carving a homestead for his Becky and brood out of the Kaintuck wilderness. Dire necessity seasoned him quick. So don't blame your son and don't blame yourself.

You can only step aside, hand him the keys to the car, and watch him crash. We've all crashed and survived and eventually come to the realization Dad was right.

Martel

Good luck!

Amos Umwhat

I was that kid. Graduated about 661 out of 670, dead bottom of my HS class.

Graduated with honors with a Bachelor of Science, years later.

My son was that kid. Graduated about 167 out of a class of about 180. Dead bottom of his HS class. Graduated with Highest Honors in Pre-med, is now a doctor.

They're little sh!theads at that age.

Always be honest. Never cover for him, and be sure you let him know you'll never, ever cover for him. No work? No food!

OK, you have to feed him, but everything else, and I mean everything, is a privilege. Your job is not to make him like you, it is to make him into a responsible adult that can function with others. That means if he's not part of the team, he enjoys NO rewards that the other team members, who earned their way, get to enjoy. Remember though, prolonged punishment just becomes a condition of life.

I thought it would never end, but stuck to my guns. It took a few years, but one day my son came to me and told me this story:

"Dad, when I was stationed at Camp Casey, after I made E-5, I had this new kid that was driving me crazy in my unit. I was responsible for him, and he would not do one dam n thing that I wanted him to. I ended up in a counseling session with him, writing up a counseling statement, and in the middle of what I was saying it suddenly occurred to me, 'Wow, all those years my Dad was giving me this great advice, and I was just thinking "blow it out your a$$", and I realized, I've become my Dad"

This is your goal. Good luck, have faith, always tell the truth to him, and do the right thing. My heart goes out to you. It's one of the hardest things in life.

brianetz1

Amos Umwhat:

I was that kid. Graduated about 661 out of 670, dead bottom of my HS class.

Graduated with honors with a Bachelor of Science, years later.

My son was that kid. Graduated about 167 out of a class of about 180. Dead bottom of his HS class. Graduated with Highest Honors in Pre-med, is now a doctor.

They're little sh!theads at that age.

Always be honest. Never cover for him, and be sure you let him know you'll never, ever cover for him. No work? No food!

OK, you have to feed him, but everything else, and I mean everything, is a privilege. Your job is not to make him like you, it is to make him into a responsible adult that can function with others. That means if he's not part of the team, he enjoys NO rewards that the other team members, who earned their way, get to enjoy. Remember though, prolonged punishment just becomes a condition of life.

I thought it would never end, but stuck to my guns. It took a few years, but one day my son came to me and told me this story:

"Dad, when I was stationed at Camp Casey, after I made E-5, I had this new kid that was driving me crazy in my unit. I was responsible for him, and he would not do one dam n thing that I wanted him to. I ended up in a counseling session with him, writing up a counseling statement, and in the middle of what I was saying it suddenly occurred to me, 'Wow, all those years my Dad was giving me this great advice, and I was just thinking "blow it out your a$$", and I realized, I've become my Dad"

This is your goal. Good luck, have faith, always tell the truth to him, and do the right thing. My heart goes out to you. It's one of the hardest things in life.

The issue with me is that he is not a shithead. Other parents love him, respectful, he goes to catholic youth group, volunteers, fbla, marketing team, his friends are all high achievers in honors, plays football, the ladies love him, he comes home from parties if there is drinking.....to the outside world he is a perfect kid, and then BAM last year about this time the grades and attitude at home went to ***. GPA dropped a full point from a 3.5 to a 2.5 and probably to a 2 after this semester.

It's the stark change that is throwing me for a loop that I don't know how to handle, and the lack of understanding. Why is he a model kid outside of those 2 things? What happened?

Amos Umwhat

Yeah, S---head can be a little too strong. Mostly thinking of myself at that age, I think. One of my proudest nights was when my son was 15, had gone out with some guys that were old enough to drive, came home pissed off about 8 pm. Wouldn't talk about it for awhile, then, finally came out with the fact that the guys he was with were currently drinking whisky, snorting cocaine, and attempting to run down rabbits on the back-roads. He'd walked home.

I took out $20, which was a lot, since we were living on about $700 a month while I was in college, and he was in HS, and let him take the truck out for pizza. When he got back, we talked about being 15. It's a time when the only thing that really really matters is peer acceptance. I told him that he was not going to believe what I was about to say, but that in ten years or so, all the people whose opinions meant so much to him right now, would be memories. Maybe one or two guys would still be in touch, and even they would probably have very different lives than him. Also, most of the guys that he envied the most, whose opinions were the most important right now, would probably still be living in the same bedroom in their parents house, driving that same "new" car that they got when they turned 16.

Something to think about, along the same lines, is that public school can be very very hard for bright children. Everything is geared to teach to the lowest common denominator, and kids that stand out are "brainiacs", "dorks", in short, brown-nosers, little goody-two-shoes to be scorned by the really "in" kids.

And, there can be some serious bullying. Your son needs to understand, every rapist, every murderer, every psychopath and sociopath is still there with him, in his class probably in charge and terrorizing both their fellow students and teachers. Every little thug that is going to end up spending most of their life behind bars, has committed their special crime yet. It's coming, but right now, your son has to deal with this scum, because they haven't yet been recognized, and they are the ones to fear. Much more than teachers, or parents.

Tyland64

Oh wow do I feel your pain. I could have written this myself 2-3 years ago. After my honor roll, 3 sport athlete eldest son, my youngest son threw me for a loop. My wife and I went through so many of the same things that you did. He was never in trouble with the law, but he was constantly pushing the boundaries. It started with school work. Capable of A’s, he started doing just enough to pass with a C. I got him a tutor because I thought he needed the help. I realized he was blowing off the homework, then studying with his tutor to get an A on the test and still pass the course. We tried grounding him to the point where I think he spent every weekend sulking in his room for a year. We tried taking away cell phones, video games. We never found his currency. We tried therapy and gave up after I realized I was spending $90 a session to hear him complain that I made him do his homework. His high school football coach told me that he could easily get a scholarship to college if he would just bring his grades up but nothing mattered. I was desperate to keep him from eliminating possibilities that he might want in the future. When I cut off his gas money when he wouldn’t get a job, he just caught rides with friends. It went on and on. The only thing that seemed to matter was when he graduated from high school and saw his peers moving onto the military, jobs, or college. He was embarrassed and ran down to the community college a week into fall classes and registered. Even the counselor told me after screening him for ADD, depression, etc that he would get it and mature when he was ready. I’ve been there. It’s not you!

brianetz1

Tyland64:

Oh wow do I feel your pain. I could have written this myself 2-3 years ago. After my honor roll, 3 sport athlete eldest son, my youngest son threw me for a loop. My wife and I went through so many of the same things that you did. He was never in trouble with the law, but he was constantly pushing the boundaries. It started with school work. Capable of A’s, he started doing just enough to pass with a C. I got him a tutor because I thought he needed the help. I realized he was blowing off the homework, then studying with his tutor to get an A on the test and still pass the course. We tried grounding him to the point where I think he spent every weekend sulking in his room for a year. We tried taking away cell phones, video games. We never found his currency. We tried therapy and gave up after I realized I was spending $90 a session to hear him complain that I made him do his homework. His high school football coach told me that he could easily get a scholarship to college if he would just bring his grades up but nothing mattered. I was desperate to keep him from eliminating possibilities that he might want in the future. When I cut off his gas money when he wouldn’t get a job, he just caught rides with friends. It went on and on. The only thing that seemed to matter was when he graduated from high school and saw his peers moving onto the military, jobs, or college. He was embarrassed and ran down to the community college a week into fall classes and registered. Even the counselor told me after screening him for ADD, depression, etc that he would get it and mature when he was ready. I’ve been there. It’s not you!

that is refreshing to hear that he is rebounding, and good to hear that i am not alone in this......how the hell did you cope? It is driving me insane!

Tyland64

brianetz1:

Tyland64:

Oh wow do I feel your pain. I could have written this myself 2-3 years ago. After my honor roll, 3 sport athlete eldest son, my youngest son threw me for a loop. My wife and I went through so many of the same things that you did. He was never in trouble with the law, but he was constantly pushing the boundaries. It started with school work. Capable of A’s, he started doing just enough to pass with a C. I got him a tutor because I thought he needed the help. I realized he was blowing off the homework, then studying with his tutor to get an A on the test and still pass the course. We tried grounding him to the point where I think he spent every weekend sulking in his room for a year. We tried taking away cell phones, video games. We never found his currency. We tried therapy and gave up after I realized I was spending $90 a session to hear him complain that I made him do his homework. His high school football coach told me that he could easily get a scholarship to college if he would just bring his grades up but nothing mattered. I was desperate to keep him from eliminating possibilities that he might want in the future. When I cut off his gas money when he wouldn’t get a job, he just caught rides with friends. It went on and on. The only thing that seemed to matter was when he graduated from high school and saw his peers moving onto the military, jobs, or college. He was embarrassed and ran down to the community college a week into fall classes and registered. Even the counselor told me after screening him for ADD, depression, etc that he would get it and mature when he was ready. I’ve been there. It’s not you!

that is refreshing to hear that he is rebounding, and good to hear that i am not alone in this......how the hell did you cope? It is driving me insane!

I realized that I needed to allow him to experience some failure and let him know that I am there for him if he needed my help. When I changed my response to his actions, he changed his approach to school.

macs-smokes

My oldest is just a teenager (almost 14). She has been driving me to drink... well ok lets be real she makes me want to drink... honest... she drives me to want to throttle her. She can be a straight A student, when she feels the need. She has decided to do nothing and gets violent with her siblings. My solution... called a buddy of mine. He runs a machine shop. With proper protective equipment I showed her the burr bench. Informed her I would get her that job at 18 (ya my buddy said he would hire her but wouldn't promote her until I gave the OK with her standing there).

If you haven't met a burr bench... it is filth. PEON work. My daughter realized it and has shaped up.

MVW67

Yes, Four boys, got to the last one...and holy sheeet. Ended up taking time off work and showed up one Monday morning in his class. Should've seen the look on his face. Priceless. Went to every class at lunch sat in cafeteria and made him sit next to me, explained to his friends that he had been screwing off and needed adjustment... lol , that was ninth grade, straightened up some, graduated had party moved back in with my ex because no structure,finally she had enough, he moved in with girl friend. And well still screwing off at 22. Wife and I have offered schooling, support whatever needed still driving us crazy... Moved back for one night about month ago and back to same routine, just keep telling him the door is open for him! Just not giving up! Hopefully :-) :-) :-)

brianetz1

MVW67:

Yes, Four boys, got to the last one...and holy sheeet. Ended up taking time off work and showed up one Monday morning in his class. Should've seen the look on his face. Priceless. Went to every class at lunch sat in cafeteria and made him sit next to me, explained to his friends that he had been screwing off and needed adjustment... lol , that was ninth grade, straightened up some, graduated had party moved back in with my ex because no structure,finally she had enough, he moved in with girl friend. And well still screwing off at 22. Wife and I have offered schooling, support whatever needed still driving us crazy... Moved back for one night about month ago and back to same routine, just keep telling him the door is open for him! Just not giving up! Hopefully :-) :-) :-)

that's not what i needed to hear mike......i thought you all would be supportive!!!!!!

0patience

This is a wonderful thread.

It is so nice to see that I'm not alone in this feeling of dread sometimes.
2 boys, 21 and 25 and I keep hoping/praying that they will eventually find a path that takes them to some semblance of supporting themselves and being productive in life.

Unfortunately, that hasn't happened yet.
Anymore, I just look at them and shake my head and wonder to myself, what happened?
I used to wonder what I did wrong, but have come to the realization that it wasn't me.
The world has changed and a lot of young people do not have the drive, ambition nor the inclination that earlier generations had.

Know this, you are not alone.

90+ Irishman

0patience:

This is a wonderful thread.

It is so nice to see that I'm not alone in this feeling of dread sometimes.
2 boys, 21 and 25 and I keep hoping/praying that they will eventually find a path that takes them to some semblance of supporting themselves and being productive in life.

Unfortunately, that hasn't happened yet.
Anymore, I just look at them and shake my head and wonder to myself, what happened?
I used to wonder what I did wrong, but have come to the realization that it wasn't me.
The world has changed and a lot of young people do not have the drive, ambition nor the inclination that earlier generations had.

Know this, you are not alone.

This is a long post, sorry ahead of time.

Sorry to hear that Tony but I know what you mean. And I'm sorry to hear you are struggling as well Brian. It will get better, simply a matter of when, not if. Patience is all I can offer you and I know it's what is hardest to have. Let me offer all y'all a slightly different perspective...

What y'all have touched on recently and stated about that generation losing it's drive is right. I know this because I am that generation and for a long time had this issue myself, and it's something I still am aware of as something that is so easy for me to slide back into as well. I'm 25 and about to turn 26, same age as your son Tony (boo! Scared ya yet? :P ) and up until Senior year of HS everyone even my own parents thought I was the perfect kid. Senior year rolls around and things changed dramatically. School was one of the few things that was still important to me at that time, graduated co-salutatorian near the top of my class. But I got engaged my Senior year as well, started ditching classes that I thought were non-essential, wouldn't listen to my parents, thought I knew everything and in general made a complete fool and azz of myself. College rolls around and I learn, as does everyone else who cared about me around me, that that was just the tip of the iceberg. Find my fiancé cheated on me with the guy I asked to be my best man, broke THAT off (thank god) and started drinking, partying and making a fool of myself. First semester I did OK.... Everything went downhill from there. Drinking heavily, joined a frat, picked up smoking and chewing (something that both my mothers parents died from and I lived with while they died from cancer), womanizing etc etc. truth be told I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror throughout college, never liked what I saw but lost any interest in doing anything hard or something that was a lot of work, just wanted to party and hang out. End of my 4th year I finally looked up and realized I had screwed up so bad that this was it and dropped out of college. Moved back in with my parents and started working as a mechanic, something I had been doing part time in college and full time during the summers. Failed bad relationship after another etc etc. by this point I see nothing changing in the near or even distant future and it depresses and terrifies me. But still not enough to do anything about apparently.

Around six months after dropping out and moving home I met my wife, we move in together a few weeks later (I had been saving and trying to work on turning myself around thanks to parents strict rules and discipline, not fun but what I needed). We were engaged before we even moved in (two days after we met we got engaged) and I pick up a corporate job with a hardware distribution company, and sell my Camaro so we could get married and start a life and work towards a house and kids. Rent is killing us while Amanda is finishing up her Social Work degree in college while I work full time, parents come to us and offer to let us have the basement while Amanda finishes college and we can pay off loans and save up for a nice place. We move down there (this is when I join Ccom) and finally have a goal and something special enough and big enough that I actually have motivation to do something, to make a life and have a family. We get married, get surprised with our son Cael, I finally get accepted to work at Apple and can now support us alone so Amanda can be a house mommie to our son, we get our own place to call home and now saving for a house in the next few years. I'm looking at manager within the next year (hopefully if everything keeps moving how it is) and life takes off from there, have another kiddo in about two years and try for a girl and see what life will bring.

Now that was a pretty long and drawn out story, and for that I apologize, but I wanted to give y'all a perspective from your children's POV. It's one I just recently came from and dealt with the same damn story myself, now and only recently, I am on the other side of things. Reading this thread has TERRIFIED me because I realize that I have to worry about if my son will self destruct as epically as I did and on such a grand scale. My own mother all throughout college would not refer to me as anything other than Man Slvt... It was terrible and how I acted during my F-up stint is nothing short of something that is completely embarrassing. BUT... It doesn't last forever and this too shall pass. I have grown up and into someone that I like seeing in the mirror, I have a beautiful and incredible wife and son, a great job and amazing friends and support in my family here in Colorado and my family here on Ccom with my brotherhood here (and the few sisters we have as well of course!) and am stronger and more motivated now than ever before to give my family the best in life that I can possibly give them myself. Life changes, but most importantly perspective changes.... All y'all's kids will too, not IF but WHEN. It is simply a matter of time, try to have patience and support. They just need to find something important enough to work hard for and they will in time. Without the patience and support my own parents showed me, Patience and support that I had NOT earned or deserved, I dunno if it would have turned out this well...

Sorry for the novel, and I apologize if I offended anyone with my post, not exactly a time in my life I am proud of or share with many people, but thought it might really help a few with my story this time.

0patience

It's nice to see that you found the correct path for you.
I hope my boys do.
Be proud of what you accomplished.