Oldies but goodies -- add yours
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Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your azz, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your azz, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
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Man comes running into his house, where his wife is waiting for him.
He says, "Can you believe it? I just won $10 million in the lottery! And I'm going to give half of it to the most beautiful, sexy woman I've ever met!"
"That's wonderful!" she says, clapping her hands.
"Isn't it?" he replied. "By the way, you've got an hour to pack up and get the hell out of here."
Louis comes home after a night out with the boys to find his wife waiting up for him.
"I hope you had fun", she grumbles.
"As a matter of fact, I did", he replies. "To make the night even better, I won on the lotto!"
At the mention of this his wife gets a devilish grin and blurts out, "Wonderful! Now I'm going to take half and divorce you!"
A smile comes across Louis' face. He calmly reaches into his pocket and pulls out a $5 bill, hands it to his wife and smugly says, "Here ya go, now shove off!"
"Tell me what's happening," says the policeman, offering her a chair.
Wiping her eyes with a tissue, she says, "All day long I see him fondling and sucking her t*ts, and all night long I can hear them going at it, moaning and groaning for hours on end. And neither of them even tries to hide it!"
"That's terrible!" says Sheriff Smith. "Would you like me to arrest him?"
"No," says the woman, "Just get him away from her long enough for me to get the milking done."
The businessman strolls Into the bedroom and says, "My word, Cynthia, I certainly never expected this sort of behavior from you. Why, over the years I thought you'd always been faithful and honest and upright and all that sort of rot". "And as for you, Jeeves, you bounder, you might at least stop while I'm talking".
A gold digger married a stranger, an elderly gent, looking to inherit a fortune quickly. They flew to Vegas for the honeymoon and she put her plan into action that night. While he was in the bathroom she posed seductively on the bed waiting and thinking of all the things she will do to him, maybe he won't last through the night. After what seemed like an eternity the bathroom door opened and there he stood, body all wrinkled. He had on a condom and nose plugs, in one hand was handcuffs in the other earplugs. As she took this all in he said "2 things I can't stand is to hear a woman scream and the smell of burning rubber"