The Joke Thread

zeebra

zeebra

zeebra

zeebra

Mr. Goldberg, his wife and his mother-in-law were vacationing in Israel. The mother-in-law died of a massive heart attack. Dr. Zimmerman consulted with Mr. Goldberg, "You can have her buried here for only $500.00 but to have her transported to America for burial would cost you $5,000.00". Mr. Goldberg elected to have her transported to America. Dr. Zimmerman asked "Why would you transport her at such an additional cost?" to which Mr. Goldberg answered "2,000 years ago, a man died here and three days later rose up. I'm not going to take that chance with my mother-in-law".

zeebra

zeebra

YankeeMan

jlmarta

gdsim1

gdsim1

Redtailhawkoz

badge54fd

Men Strike Back............

1. How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

2. Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

3. Why do women have smaller feet than men?

So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

4. How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

5. How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There's a clock on the oven!

6. Why do men pass gas more than women do?

Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

7. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, which do you let in first?

The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.

8. All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

9. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman that won't do what she's told.

10. What do you call a woman with two brain cells?

Pregnant.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

13. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?

Divorced.

14. Bigamy is having one wife too many.

Some say monogamy is the same.

15. Scientists have discovered one certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%... wedding cake.

ljl

lilwing88

lilwing88

A beautiful woman walks into her doctors one day and the doctor is blown away by how stunning she is and all his professionalism goes right out the window. He tells her to take off her pants, she does and he starts rubbing her thighs. The doctor asks, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abnormalities." He then tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she does. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" She replies, "Yes, you're checking for cancer." Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts to have sex with her. He then says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" She replies, "Yes, you're getting herpies..............that's why I'm here!"

lilwing88

cabinetmaker

Redtailhawkoz

zeebra

zeebra

lilwing88

lilwing88

lilwing88

stephen_hannibal

? this is too funny.

lilwing88

lilwing88

The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200. They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tires to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side." The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?" The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Illinois."

New Boots

Echambers....still a noob

0patience

jd50ae

Two monks from different monasteries were old friends who shared a great fondness for cigars. Once each year when they had a chance to visit, they would pray together and, of course, light up. Eventually, however, they became concerned that there might be some sin in their habit and they each resolved to ask their respective superiors for guidance. When they met again, one was puffing away. “But the head of my monastery told me it was a sin,” protested the other. “What did you ask him?” said the first. “I asked him if it was all right to smoke during evening prayer and he said, ‘No.’” “Well,” said his friend as he blew a perfect smoke ring into the air, “I asked my superior if it was alright to pray during our evening smoke and he said it was just fine!”

variant2

jd50ae