End of Deployment Celebration Contest!!!
TheRakeIsReal
Everyone, Registered Users Posts: 61
Attention everyone on the forum!!!!!!!!!
The end of my deployment is vastly approaching! (Sometime in the end of August) So to celebrate I would like to do a contest for a prize of $100 cigar shopping spree on me!
To achieve this excellent prize all you have to do is post the funniest joke you can think of to this thread. Only catch is that you only have one shot. If you post more than one joke you will be disqualified.
All submissions are closed & a winner will be choosen August 1st! Good luck, God speed, and Let the hilarity ensue!
The end of my deployment is vastly approaching! (Sometime in the end of August) So to celebrate I would like to do a contest for a prize of $100 cigar shopping spree on me!
To achieve this excellent prize all you have to do is post the funniest joke you can think of to this thread. Only catch is that you only have one shot. If you post more than one joke you will be disqualified.
All submissions are closed & a winner will be choosen August 1st! Good luck, God speed, and Let the hilarity ensue!
Comments
AJ Fernandez Fresh-Rolled Maduro Toro with a retail price of $2.65, thanks in advance!
Welcome home and be safe the remainder of your time there!!!
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
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Unique up on it!
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
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The tame way!
Ah crap did I just disqualify myself for posting twice in this thread???? Man I was really looking forward to that AJ Fresh Rolled Maduro… OH well, that opens the door for a second place joke to take home the prize.
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
If that fly would come down 4 inches I would jump up and eat that fly
There was this bear watching the fish who said to himself:
If that fly would come down 4 inches that fish would jump to eat the fly and i would eat that fish
There was this Hunter who was sitting on a dock eating a sandwich who was watching the bear who said to himself:
If that fly would come down 4 inches that fish would jump to eat the fly and the bear would turn to eat that fish and i would shoot that bear
There was this mouse that was watching the Hunter eat the sandwich who said to himself:
If that fly would come down 4 inches that fish would jump to eat the fly and the bear would turn to eat that fish and the hunter would put down his sandwich to shoot the bear and i would steal the cheese from that sandwich
There was this cat that was watching the mouse who said to himself:
If that fly would come down 4 inches that fish would jump to eat the fly the bear would turn to eat that fish, the hunter would put down his sandwich to shoo the bear, the mouse would run to steal the cheese and I would eat that mouse!
Right about that time the fly dropped 4 inches the fish jumped to eat the fly, the bear turned to eat the fish, the hunter set down his sandwich to shoot the bear, the mouse ran to get the cheese and the cat jumped to get the mouse but the cat hit a slick spot and fell into the water.
So what's the moral of the story........when a fly comes down 4 inches a pus$y gets wet.
(this might not translate on the board very well, but it is probably one of my favorite jokes to tell while out and about)
A guy dies and goes to hell. The devil greets him when he arrives and asks him if he likes steak. Of course the guy says yes, and the devil tells him "Monday is steak day, with the finest cuts of steak you can imagine. You're going to love Mondays."
Then the devil asks him if he likes beer. The guy says he does, and the devil says "Tuesday is beer day. We'll have the finest beers you can imagine. You are going to love Tuesdays."
The devil then asks if he likes women. The man says he does and the devil says, "Wednesday is women day. All the most beautiful women you can imagine. You are going to love Wednesday."
The devil asks if the man likes cigars. The man says he does and the devil says "Thursday is cigar day. The finest cigars you can imagine. You are going to love Thursdays."
Then the devil asks the man if he likes homosexual sex. "God, no!" says the man, in disgust. The devil replies "You're not going to like Fridays!"
So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, "Ask the guy for $200. Pick up the money really really fast, and he won't even have time to get his pants down!" She agreed and accepts the proposal. 30 minutes go by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend to call back. Finally after another fifteen minutes he calls and asks, "What the hell happened?!" Heavily panting, she managed to reply, "It's all in quarters!"
And congrats on coming back
What?
Hey, it could happen.
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Because they taste funny.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
I sing the song every time after lol
If I win, please pick a BOTL on the forum who is currently deployed or about to be deployed and give them the prize, and let me know who and their address as well. Thanks for your service!
She goes into the local bar one day at noon and sits down at a stool, looks around and sees that other then the bartender she is the only one around, she asks the bartender for a drink, he asked her what she would like, she tells him that she just turned 21 and never drank and needs some help choosing
The bartender pours her a tall mug of Coors and tells her that’s what most of the guys order around there, so she slams it down. After a few minutes go by, she falls off her stool passed out on the floor
The bartender goes over to her and checks her out and makes sure she isn’t injured, nope just out cold.
After several minutes go by Mandy is still out cold, the bartender looks the place over, and being that there is still no other customers around, he decides to have his way with her. About an hour later Mandy wakes up, stands up, brushes herself off and leaves
Several days go by with this happening every time, Mandy comes in, orders a tall mug of Coors, slams it down, passes out cold, the bartender has his way with her, she wakes up an hour later and leaves.
Well by the sixth day the bartender just cant believe his luck, and decides to tell two of his best customers, and they decide to hang out at the bar to see if he is pulling their leg.
The very next day, same situation. Mandy enters the bar, orders a tall mug of Coors, notices a few others in the bar, has some small talk with them, slams back her drink, several minutes later falls off the stool passed out cold on the floor
The bartender's buddy’s just cant believe it. After they watch the bartender have his way with the poor girl, they both decide to do the same. Again after about an hour she wakes up, stands up, dusts herself off and leaves the bar.
Several days go by, again with this being the daily norm for Mandy, the bartender and his friends.
By now the bartender and his friends have told several of there other friends about this and on the next day there are about 15 guys waiting in the bar when Mandy arrives.
When she sits down at the bar, the bartender sets down a tall mug of Coors while everyone waits in anticipation of whats to come.
To everyone’s surprise Mandy pushes away the drink, and instead orders a small glass of Budweiser. The bartender being confused about this asks her why?
Mandy reply’s, “I think I'm allergic to Coors” The bartender thinks about her answer and says “Why would you say that, you have been coming in here everyday and ordering one for almost three weeks straight now, and you look fine to me”.
Mandy looks up at him and says, “every time I drink Coors, I pass out, and when I wake up my pu$$y hurts the rest of the day, and the more time goes by the worse it seems to be getting”
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat ... As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his..
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston "
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba