God comes down to the Garden of Eden and he starts talking to Adam. How is everything, isn't this beautiful, are you and Eve getting along? Then he asks where Eve is? Adam responds that she is down at the river washing up.
God says, "what's wrong with you Adam? How am I going to get that smell out of the fish now?"
God comes down to the Garden of Eden and he starts talking to Adam. How is everything, isn't this beautiful, are you and Eve getting along? Then he asks where Eve is? Adam responds that she is down at the river washing up.
God says, "what's wrong with you Adam? How am I going to get that smell out of the fish now?"
Guess that solves the chicken or egg problem with this situation…
As everyone else has already stated--thank you for your service! Here's one of my favorites:
A Jewish boy walks up to his father and says "Papa, I need fifty dollars." The father says "forty dollars?! I don't have thirty dollars! What do you need twenty dollars for? Here's ten dollars." He hands the boy a five and says "split it with your brothers...and bring back the change."
In the year 2013, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard -
but no Ark."Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is
the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed." "I needed a Building Permit."
"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."
"My homeowners association claim that I've violated the Neighborhood
by-laws by building the Ark in my back yard and exceeding the height
limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a
decision."
"Then the City Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load
of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead
obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told
them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of
it."
"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local
trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl." "I tried to
convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls -
but no go!"
"When I started gathering the animals, PETA took me to court. They
insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They
argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and
inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."
"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build
the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on Your
proposed flood."
"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights
Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building
crew."
"The Immigration Dept. Is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work."
"The labor unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with ark-building experience."
"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm
trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species." "So,
forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish
this ark."
"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine and a rainbow stretched across the sky."
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. " The Government beat me to it."
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
Comments
God says, "what's wrong with you Adam? How am I going to get that smell out of the fish now?"
A Jewish boy walks up to his father and says "Papa, I need fifty dollars." The father says "forty dollars?! I don't have thirty dollars! What do you need twenty dollars for? Here's ten dollars." He hands the boy a five and says "split it with your brothers...and bring back the change."
In the year 2013, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark."Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed." "I needed a Building Permit."
"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."
"My homeowners association claim that I've violated the Neighborhood by-laws by building the Ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision."
"Then the City Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it."
"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl." "I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"
"When I started gathering the animals, PETA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."
"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood."
"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."
"The Immigration Dept. Is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work."
"The labor unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with ark-building experience."
"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species." "So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark."
"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine and a rainbow stretched across the sky."
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. " The Government beat me to it."