A married couple went to the hospital so that the woman could give birth to her child.
Upon their arrival the doctor told them that they invented a new machine where they could transfer some of the labor pain to the father. He asked them if they would like to try it and they agreed. So the doctor set the pain to be transferred to 10% and told the man that this would be the most painful thing he ever experienced.
But when labor set in the man still felt absolutely fine and the doctor set the machine to 20%. The man still felt fine so the doctor set it to 50% whilst checking the vitals man. Still no problem for the man.
So he asked the doctor if he could set it to 100% because he could see how comfortable his wife was getting. After 2 hours of labor the woman gave birth to a healthy baby.
Both were pretty astonished, thanked the doctor left. When they came home the milkman was lying dead on the porch.
Lucille Garcia, a champion competitive kite flyer, and her husband and manager, Jose, nervously pull into the driveway of the country estate of the infamous mafioso Tony Morelli. They are met by the mobster's consigliere who walks them through the spacious mansion and into the spacious backyard.
There they watch as the gangster curses in anger while trying to get an ornate kite afloat. The consigliere turns to the couple and says, "As you can see, Mr. Morelli is having a great deal of difficulty with this troublesome kite that was specially made for him by Mr. Angelo, who is currently locked inside a trunk in the basement and may be sleeping with the fishes if this problem is not resolved. Mrs. Garcia, I am well aware of your reputation as one of the world's greatest kite flyers and have asked you here to help teach Mr. Morelli how to properly launch and manipulate his new kite---"
"Wait a minute!" Jose bravely interjects. "As her manager and agent, I must ask that you direct any requests for her services to me."
The consligiere nods, and replies, "Jose, can Lucy fly the don's surly kite?"
Lucille Garcia, a champion competitive kite flyer, and her husband and manager, Jose, nervously pull into the driveway of the country estate of the infamous mafioso Tony Morelli. They are met by the mobster's consigliere who walks them through the spacious mansion and into the spacious backyard.
There they watch as the gangster curses in anger while trying to get an ornate kite afloat. The consigliere turns to the couple and says, "As you can see, Mr. Morelli is having a great deal of difficulty with this troublesome kite that was specially made for him by Mr. Angelo, who is currently locked inside a trunk in the basement and may be sleeping with the fishes if this problem is not resolved. Mrs. Garcia, I am well aware of your reputation as one of the world's greatest kite flyers and have asked you here to help teach Mr. Morelli how to properly launch and manipulate his new kite---"
"Wait a minute!" Jose bravely interjects. "As her manager and agent, I must ask that you direct any requests for her services to me."
The consligiere nods, and replies, "Jose, can Lucy fly the don's surly kite?"
Ooooh. Don't give up your day job....:-)
uh i dont get it,,
Jose, can Lucy fly the don's surly kite =>Oh say can you see by the dawn's early light.
Lucille Garcia, a champion competitive kite flyer, and her husband and manager, Jose, nervously pull into the driveway of the country estate of the infamous mafioso Tony Morelli. They are met by the mobster's consigliere who walks them through the spacious mansion and into the spacious backyard.
There they watch as the gangster curses in anger while trying to get an ornate kite afloat. The consigliere turns to the couple and says, "As you can see, Mr. Morelli is having a great deal of difficulty with this troublesome kite that was specially made for him by Mr. Angelo, who is currently locked inside a trunk in the basement and may be sleeping with the fishes if this problem is not resolved. Mrs. Garcia, I am well aware of your reputation as one of the world's greatest kite flyers and have asked you here to help teach Mr. Morelli how to properly launch and manipulate his new kite---"
"Wait a minute!" Jose bravely interjects. "As her manager and agent, I must ask that you direct any requests for her services to me."
The consligiere nods, and replies, "Jose, can Lucy fly the don's surly kite?"
Ooooh. Don't give up your day job....:-)
uh i dont get it,,
Jose, can Lucy fly the don's surly kite =>Oh say can you see by the dawn's early light.
This guy brings his best friend home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30pm, after work.
His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade.
"My bloody hair and makeup are not done, the house is a fvck!ng mess, the dishes aren't done.
Can't you see I'm still in my fvck!ng pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight?!
Why the f*ck did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"
I saw this joke today and it made me laugh.
Probably not the kind of joke one would think would make you laugh, but for what ever reason, it did.
Forrest Gump
The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump died, and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you.
We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it, before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It shor is good, to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me, about any entrance exam. I shor hope that the Test ain't too hard, life was a big enough test, as it was."
St. Peter continued to say, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First: What two days of the week, begins with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds, are there, in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day, and sees St. Peter, who waved him up, and said, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week, begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be, Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes opened wide, and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess, I did not specify, so I will give you credit, for that answer.
How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.
"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk, and thunk, about that, and I guess the only answer, can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name, could you come up, with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest replied, "Shucks, there is got to be twelve:
January 2nd,
February 2nd,
March 2nd. ! ."
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind.....but I will have to give you credit, for that one, too.
Let us go on, with the third, and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?
"Sure", Forrest replied, "its Andy."
Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated, and frustrated St. Peter.
"Ok, I can understand, how you came up, with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world, did you come up with, the name Andy, as the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song. .
"ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME, I AM HIS OWN. . . "
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."
Two Fish were sitting in a tank. one turns to the other and says. "you know how to drive this thing?"
There are three rings in marriage. Engagement ring, Wedding ring, and suffering!
A cowboy rides up to a town after a long ride, and ties his horse in front of the saloon. He walks in sits down and orders a stiff drink. Now the town thought it would be funny to play a prank on this cowboy so they decided to hide his horse on him. The cowboy finishes up his drink and mozys out to ride off. Noticing his horse is gone, he lowers the brim of his hat and walks back into the bar. "Now look im going to have one more drink, and my horse had better be back, cause i don't want to haft to do what i did in Texas." Now the town was so scared at this point they quickly returned his horse. Finishing up his drink the cowboy walked out saddled up and started to ride off. Before he got to far the bartender shouted out hey mister, What did you have to do in Texas." The cowboy responded " I had to walk."
Comments
Upon their arrival the doctor told them that they invented a new machine where they could transfer some of the labor pain to the father. He asked them if they would like to try it and they agreed. So the doctor set the pain to be transferred to 10% and told the man that this would be the most painful thing he ever experienced.
But when labor set in the man still felt absolutely fine and the doctor set the machine to 20%. The man still felt fine so the doctor set it to 50% whilst checking the vitals man. Still no problem for the man.
So he asked the doctor if he could set it to 100% because he could see how comfortable his wife was getting. After 2 hours of labor the woman gave birth to a healthy baby.
Both were pretty astonished, thanked the doctor left. When they came home the milkman was lying dead on the porch.
(source: reddit.com/r/funny)
"Get off me Daddy, you're crushing my cigarettes."
OK, bad. Sorry, I couldn't resist.
bwahahaha
now that's a good one right there, jd
His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade.
"My bloody hair and makeup are not done, the house is a fvck!ng mess, the dishes aren't done.
Can't you see I'm still in my fvck!ng pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight?!
Why the f*ck did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married."
Probably not the kind of joke one would think would make you laugh, but for what ever reason, it did.
Forrest Gump
The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump died, and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you.
We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it, before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It shor is good, to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me, about any entrance exam. I shor hope that the Test ain't too hard, life was a big enough test, as it was."
St. Peter continued to say, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First: What two days of the week, begins with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds, are there, in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day, and sees St. Peter, who waved him up, and said, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week, begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be, Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes opened wide, and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess, I did not specify, so I will give you credit, for that answer.
How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.
"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk, and thunk, about that, and I guess the only answer, can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name, could you come up, with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest replied, "Shucks, there is got to be twelve:
January 2nd,
February 2nd,
March 2nd. ! ."
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind.....but I will have to give you credit, for that one, too.
Let us go on, with the third, and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?
"Sure", Forrest replied, "its Andy."
Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated, and frustrated St. Peter.
"Ok, I can understand, how you came up, with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world, did you come up with, the name Andy, as the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song. .
"ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME, I AM HIS OWN. . . "
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."
Two Fish were sitting in a tank. one turns to the other and says. "you know how to drive this thing?"
There are three rings in marriage. Engagement ring, Wedding ring, and suffering!
A cowboy rides up to a town after a long ride, and ties his horse in front of the saloon. He walks in sits down and orders a stiff drink. Now the town thought it would be funny to play a prank on this cowboy so they decided to hide his horse on him. The cowboy finishes up his drink and mozys out to ride off. Noticing his horse is gone, he lowers the brim of his hat and walks back into the bar. "Now look im going to have one more drink, and my horse had better be back, cause i don't want to haft to do what i did in Texas." Now the town was so scared at this point they quickly returned his horse. Finishing up his drink the cowboy walked out saddled up and started to ride off. Before he got to far the bartender shouted out hey mister, What did you have to do in Texas." The cowboy responded " I had to walk."
Why do the Irish only cook 239 beans in a pot at one time?
Cause if it were one more it would be Two Farty...
BADUM TSSSSSSS!