Resurrecting the Joke Thread

I couldn't find it on the "Non-Cigar Related" forums anymore so I'm resurrecting this thread for I need more ammo at the workplace!!!

I'll start

A man is driving down the freeway in Washington D.C. and the traffic is horrible until it comes to a dead stop!
A person comes up to the car and says:
"Terrorists have the Presidient Obama and his wife held hostage in the WhiteHouse and they are demanding $5 Billion Dollars or they will douse our nation's leader with gasoline and burn them!!!"

Man driving: "OH MY GOODNESS!!! HOW CAN I HELP???? WHAT IS EVERYONE ELSE DONATING??"

Man on the Street: "Oh, About a Gallon and a Half......"

Let's bring back the jokes people!!!!!!

Find more posts tagged with

Comments

cabinetmaker

A man walks into a bar, and as he sits down pulls out a tiny grand piano and a small man one foot tall who immediately sits at the piano and begins to play. The man then pulls out a tarnished old lamp, and sits it on the bar next to the piano.

Watching all this happen, a man sitting a few seats away asks "Where did you get that piano and midget?"

"Well, I found this lamp and rubbed it and a genie popped out. I made a wish and here it is."

Skeptical, the other man asks if he might give the lamp a try. "Sure, go right ahead." is the reply.

He picks up the lamp, rubs it, and out pops a genie. "You have released me, and for that I will grant you one wish." said the genie.

After a bit of thought, the man asks the genie for a million bucks. "Your wish is granted" replied the genie, and the *poof* he was gone. The man looked around, but saw no money.

*quack*

*quack*
*quack*....*quack*

He looks outside and the whole area is covered with ducks. Confused he walks back in and asks what's up with all the ducks?

The first man replied "The genie is hard of hearing, do you really think I wished for a 12" pianist"

gmill880

Do you know what the little bumps are around a womans ni_pples ? God put them there for blind men ...its braile and says "suck here". Apologies to any SOTL who may have been offended by this joke !

kaworuchan

I have always wanted to get into her pants.

Too bad, I have to stick with the size 36 waist Levis instead!

bforrester

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden. "You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..." Next morning the little man wakes the woman up. "Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies "F**k me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

bigbgballz

Some Tiger jokes i got sent today,

1. Tiger's new movie is: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.

2. Apparently the police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him.
She said "I don't know exactly... but put me down for a 5."

3. Tiger Woods owns lots of expensive cars - now he has a hole-
in-one.

4. What's the difference between a car and a golf ball?
Tiger can easily drive a ball 300 metres

5. What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the
morning?
They were clubbing

6. Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant, then and a tree. He
apparently could not decide between a wood and an iron.

7. Phil Mickelson contacted Tiger's wife for some tips on how to
beat him.

8. What does Tiger Woods and a seal cub have in common?
They both get clubbed by Norwegians.

9. Why did Tiger Woods leave his house so early?
He had to get to the second hole.

Lasabar

bigbgballz:
Some Tiger jokes i got sent today,

1. Tiger's new movie is: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.

2. Apparently the police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him.
She said "I don't know exactly... but put me down for a 5."

3. Tiger Woods owns lots of expensive cars - now he has a hole-
in-one.

4. What's the difference between a car and a golf ball?
Tiger can easily drive a ball 300 metres

5. What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the
morning?
They were clubbing

6. Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant, then and a tree. He
apparently could not decide between a wood and an iron.

7. Phil Mickelson contacted Tiger's wife for some tips on how to
beat him.

8. What does Tiger Woods and a seal cub have in common?
They both get clubbed by Norwegians.

9. Why did Tiger Woods leave his house so early?
He had to get to the second hole.

It looks like there IS a female on this planet that can beat Tiger with Clubs!

Cooper33

Two tampons were crossing the street when they passed an old acquaintance, what do you think they said?

Nothing, they were both stuck up b*tches.

zoom6zoom

Tiger blamed the problem on his Caddy.

gmill880

Hottest new kids toy for christmas ...remote controlled Tiger Woods Caddy with collapseable fire hydrant and break-away windows

Thewelder

Two condoms walk by a gay club, and one says to other, "Hey wanna go in there and get sh!t faced?"

kaworuchan

An atypically discontent rich couple suddenly realizes that their investments were not so smart, and it comes down to this - they are no longer as rich as they once were.

The husband tells the wife, "Maybe if you learn how to make food, we can get rid of the chef. Maybe if you learn how to clean the mansion, we can get rid of the maids."

The wife responds, "Maybe if you learn how to make love, we can get rid of the gardener."

zoom6zoom

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the T-shirt she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!' My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!' Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?' She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

gmill880

New deal between Tiger Woods and Ping on what else ...a new putter ...to be called the Ping-A-Ho Putter

Thewelder

Whats the difference between Santa Clause and Tiger Woods? Santa Clause stops after 3 hos

Jdorais

Santa was a pimp....

Ho ho ho Merry christmas to all of my BOTL!

zoom6zoom

Time for some Christmas jokes...

Someone who's afraid of jolly fat men in red suits has Claus-trophobia.

Billy: "Mom, can we get a puppy for Christmas?"
Mom: "No, we're having turkey".

What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month ?
The letter "D".

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"

Do You Know Santa's True Profession???

Consider the following:

1. You never actually see Santa, only his "assistants."
2. Santa keeps his job until he decides to retire.
3. Santa doesn't really do the work; he directs a bunch of helpers
to do all his work for him, but he's the one who everybody credits with the work.
4. Santa doesn't work anywhere near a 40 hour week.
5. Santa travels a lot.

Santa is obviously a senior faculty member with tenure!

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You damn Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

Hays

Bringing this old thing back...

What's the difference between a crackhead and a tweaker? The crackhead will steal your sh!t and bounce - the tweaker will steal your sh!t and then help you look for it.

zoom6zoom

An Israeli doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."*

*A German doctor says, "That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person,put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

An Hawaiian doctor, says, "You guys are way behind. We recently took a man with no brains out of Hawaii , put him in the White House and within SIX MONTHS, half the COUNTRY is looking for work."*

*******

In a big city at a crowded busy bus stop there was a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn’t. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Still, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile at the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her in line picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic, turned to the would-be good Samaritan, and yelled, “How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!”

The Texan smiled and drawled, “Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.”

*******

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there,' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants'.

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back....

Hays

zoom6zoom:
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there,' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants'.

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back....

Ok, I'm pretty sure I would do this guy...

minibeezy

Hays:
zoom6zoom:
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there,' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants'.

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back....
Ok, I'm pretty sure I would do this guy...

LMFAO!!!

clearlysuspect

I read this joke the other day in an old Maxim, hopefully I don't slaughter it....

A man and his wife are sitting outside having a deep philosophical discussion over a bottle of wine. The man says to his wife, "I'll bet you can't make me happy and sad at the same time." The wife thinks for a moment and replies, "Your d1ck is bigger than your brothers."

Alex Williams

clearlysuspect:
I read this joke the other day in an old Maxim, hopefully I don't slaughter it....

A man and his wife are sitting outside having a deep philosophical discussion over a bottle of wine. The man says to his wife, "I'll bet you can't make me happy and sad at the same time." The wife thinks for a moment and replies, "Your d1ck is bigger than your brothers."

Hahaha I just laughed mid puff on a Cain f - now I don't feel so good haha. Glad this thread is back!

Hays

clearlysuspect:
I read this joke the other day in an old Maxim, hopefully I don't slaughter it....

A man and his wife are sitting outside having a deep philosophical discussion over a bottle of wine. The man says to his wife, "I'll bet you can't make me happy and sad at the same time." The wife thinks for a moment and replies, "Your d1ck is bigger than your brothers."

LMAO...I'm going to a family get-together tomorrow, and I'm definitely sharing this with my brothers..

gmill880

Hays:
zoom6zoom:
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there,' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants'.

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back....
Ok, I'm pretty sure I would do this guy...

LMAO !

letsgowithbob

really bad one.....What do nine out of ten people enjoy? Gang rape....1 out of ten, not so much

zoom6zoom

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of stout.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the policeman."Just follow me". He leads the American down a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"

"No sir," replied the police officer, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

Hays

zoom6zoom:
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of stout.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the policeman."Just follow me". He leads the American down a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"

"No sir," replied the police officer, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

hehehehehehe....good stuff..

lilwing88

What's red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint!

sightunseen

letsgowithbob:
really bad one.....What do nine out of ten people enjoy? Gang rape....1 out of ten, not so much

Rape's not funny, man........unless you're raping a clown.

ZIIIIING

zoom6zoom

A businessman was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from college and I need some help.. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?"