Resurrecting the Joke Thread

I couldn't find it on the "Non-Cigar Related" forums anymore so I'm resurrecting this thread for I need more ammo at the workplace!!!

I'll start

A man is driving down the freeway in Washington D.C. and the traffic is horrible until it comes to a dead stop!
A person comes up to the car and says:
"Terrorists have the Presidient Obama and his wife held hostage in the WhiteHouse and they are demanding $5 Billion Dollars or they will douse our nation's leader with gasoline and burn them!!!"

Man driving: "OH MY GOODNESS!!! HOW CAN I HELP???? WHAT IS EVERYONE ELSE DONATING??"

Man on the Street: "Oh, About a Gallon and a Half......"

Let's bring back the jokes people!!!!!!

Find more posts tagged with

Comments

Lasabar

Three men decided to go onto the Olympics, being the Olympics were in China and the costs were astronomical they could only afford the plane tickets and the hotel room, but not the actual cost to get into the events to see the athletes.

After a great morning sitting outside the pavillions they noticed something... Whenever an athlete came up to the door they just let them in without paying.
So they decided to sneak in as an athlete, but while they didn't have the spandex outfits one guy grabbed a long pole walked up to the door and said "POLE VAULTING" and he was let right in
The second guy linked up a length of chain to a ball and went up front and said "HAMMER THROW"
The third guy wasn't let in though, he walked up to the door with a roll of chain link and said "FENCING"

Lasabar

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.

The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."

The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

PuroFreak

A woman from Texas meets a wealthy woman from New York. The woman from Texas asks, "Where are you from?" The woman from New York says, "I am from a place where we know better than to end a sentence with a preposition!" The woman from Texas very politely replies, "Oh I'm terribly sorry. Then where are you from...b*tch?"

Hugemoose

Lasabar:
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

Hahahaha.....I was NOT expecting that!

bigbgballz

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day,
decided he just had to play golf.
So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded
him to say Mass for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of
town to a golf course about forty miles away.

This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his
parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday
morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while
looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him
get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight
towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell
into the hole.

IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked,
"Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

madurofan

Lasabar:
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

Thats nothing I once saved an entire village from sure destruction by a volcano. I simply plugged the volcano with my johnson. However, I forgot that it was holding up our second moon at the time so I apologize that we now only have one moon. I'm also sorry about the hole I left in the OZone layer I had no idea it wouldn't heal itself back up.

Beat that Chuck Norris.

Lasabar

Big *** Jokes

My *** is so big it has an elbow

My *** is so big it gets in at the viper room and I have to argue with the guy at the door

My *** is so big it won't return Speilberg's calls

My *** is so big it takes four fat women and a team of Clydesdale's to jack me off

My *** is so big it's only seen my balls in pictures

My *** is so big clowns come out of it when I ejaculate

My *** is so big it wears a watch

My *** is so big it only plays arenas

My *** is so big the next remake will be "Godzilla vs. MY ***"

My *** is so big I'm screwing a girl tomorrow

My *** is so big I have to call it MR.*** in front of company

My *** is so big it has casters

My *** is so big it has better credit than I do

My *** is so big it entered a big *** contest and came in 1st, 2nd and 3rd

My *** is so big I'm standing here talking to you, but I lost a leg in 'Nam

My *** is so big I can please and Elevator shaft

My *** is so big it tried to open a casino in Vegas, but was shunned for Donald Trump didn't want a bigger *** in town than he was

My *** is so big that I'm the reason for "Glad" to research and develop "Tufflex" garbage bags

And by all these jokes, you all probably think that my penis is very very tiny....

(p.s. MOST of these are from Drew Carey's book "Dirty Jokes and Beer")

alienmisprint

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary...

Day 983 of my captivity... My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now................

4bob4

HAHAHA I love the cat's diary that's hilarious. I love the part about the retarded dog. You so know that's what cats are thinking too.

gmill880

I've heard it before but it is hilarious ...I can see a cat thinking those exact thoughts ...

alienmisprint

Yeah, it just came to me via an email. The cat diary is dead on, those sneaky baturds.

cabinetmaker

My cat would just look at me and sigh - audibly, I can only imagine what he was actually thinking, lol..

gmill880

cabinetmaker:
My cat would just look at me and sigh - audibly, I can only imagine what he was actually thinking, lol..

Day 668 of my captivity ....he remains in the shop drawing up plans for some sort of box he believes in his inferior mental state that could actually hold me ...stupid human ...he does have a nice set-up out there and his vast collection of woodworking tools are actually quite impressive ...I've witnessed his work ...very precise ...much attention to detail ....ALL FOR NAUGHT ...HE'LL NEVER CONTROL ME !!!!! (All in fun Greg)

Thewelder

Wanna hear a joke? Woman's right.

Hey someones gotta throw first sexist joke out there.

gmill880

two newly weds getting ready to consummate their marriage when the wife speaks up and says 'I have a confession -I'm not a virgin -their was one guy before you. The husband says well in this day and age thats not surprising who was he anyway? Tiger Woods she replies. The golfer he exclaims . Yes she says. Well he's famous,rich,good looking I guess I can understand that. So they make passionate love. When their done the hubby heads for the phone to call room service. What are you doing the new bride asks. He replies 'calling room service I'm hungry. Tiger wouldn't do that ! Yeah hubby says 'what would tiger do? He'd come over here and make love again. So the hubby does. he gets up to call room service again. Again the same thing from the wife 'thats not what Tiger would do! This goes on three more times. Finally totally wiped out the husband staggers to the phone. Are you calling room service the new bride asks. NO I'M CALLING TIGER TO SEE WHAT PAR IS FOR THIS DAMN HOLE !!!

kingjk729

Ok two quickies ......... since the season is coming ........ use them for a gauranteed laugh...... What do rednecks do on halloween? ........................... Pump-Kin Why cant ghosts have babies? .............. Because they have Hallo-Weenies I know cheesey but good.

alienmisprint

A young woman is set to be wed to her one true love on Saturday. Their entire courtship, she has told him that she was a virgin, when in fact, she was not. As the wedding quickly approaches, she fears that her new husband will discover her promiscuity on their wedding night, so she goes to her mother and asks what she should do. The mother smiles and tells her, "Don't worry dear, here is what to do. Go down to the butcher shop the night before your wedding. Buy a fresh piece of beef liver about this big, and before you make love, slide it into your vagina. The liver will bleed just a little, making your husband think he popped your cherry, and it will make your vagina feel extra tight."

Excited and thinking she now has a sure-fire way to trick her husband, she does as her mother instructed her. After the ceremony and reception, the new couple retires to the honeymoon sweet for a night of pasionate lovemaking. When the new bride awakes in the morning, her husband is not in bed with her. She searches the hotel suite and finds nothing. She then sees a note taped to one of the cabinet doors. It is from her husband and says,

"Linda, I have loved you all my life and always will love you, but I simply cannot live this way. I'm sorry, but you will never see me again.

Love,
Jim

P.S. Your vagina is in the sink."

4bob4

An asian couple prepared for their wedding night. The bride was a virgin but her husband was not (unbeknownst to her). He was trying to hide the fact that he was indeed experienced by trying to act shy so she wouldn't suspect him. She said that she would be willing to try anything he wanted to because she had never done anything like this before. Trying to be innocent he told his wife that he had heard of this thing called "69" and he wanted to try it. she replied "You want to try a shrimp fried rice?"

4bob4

Thewelder:
Wanna hear a joke? Woman's right.

Hey someones gotta throw first sexist joke out there.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

So they can stand closer to the stove

Why does no woman need a watch?

There's a clock right there on the stove!

Why does no woman need an umbrella?

It doesn't rain between the bedroom and the kitchen.

alienmisprint

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen , the man leaned over to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names 'The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old bich what her name is.'

ejenne87

Why is a beer better than a woman? A beer wont get jelous if you grab another beer. Why is a beer better than a woman? A beer is always wet. Why is a beer better than a woman? When you are done with a beer the container is worth $.05

24footjet

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.

A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts."
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot!
You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

BTJR99

"Hello?"
Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
Brief pause
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy, that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway..
"Okay, Daddy, Just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it, Daddy."
"And what happened, honey?" He asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
Long Pause
Longer Pause
Even Longer Pause
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? ............
Is this 486-5731?"
No, I think you have the wrong number........

Hugemoose

BTJR99:
"Hello?"
Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
Brief pause
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy, that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway..
"Okay, Daddy, Just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it, Daddy."
"And what happened, honey?" He asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
Long Pause
Longer Pause
Even Longer Pause
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? ............
Is this 486-5731?"
No, I think you have the wrong number........

Oh that is sick!......but great!!

YankeeMan

OK, time for some old blond jokes!

Why does a blond wear panties? To keep her ankles warm.

How does a blond turn the light on after sex? Opens the car door.

What does a blond say after sex? You guys all on the same team?

Why does the blond have a tilt steering wheel in her car? More head room.

Sorry about that, I just had to throw them in!

zoom6zoom

Well, my kitchen remodel is on hold because my contractor got arrested. He's been charged with counter fitting.

j0z3r

zoom6zoom:
Well, my kitchen remodel is on hold because my contractor got arrested. He's been charged with counter fitting.

BOOO, HISS. Get off the stage!!! *throws tomato*

kaspera79

zoom6zoom:
Well, my kitchen remodel is on hold because my contractor got arrested. He's been charged with counter fitting.

Now that there is funny Zoom.

gmill880

A man boarded a plane with 6 children. After getting them all settled in their seats a woman leans over and says 'are all those kids yours?' No, replied the man. I work for a condom company and these are customer complaints I'm taking back to the home office !

Thewelder

Whats the difference between jelly and jam?

You can't jelly your dich up a girls a$$